Sunday Funnies

Starting off with a reminder: the Miss USA contestant who gave the oft-pilloried opinion that marriage should be strictly between one man and one woman (the outrage!) holds the exact same position as Obama as he has stated on more than one occasion. Let's spread the outrage wealth shall we?

A Flu By Any Other Name

The "swine" flu news continues to be troubling as possible new cases are being investigated in Northern California and Michigan, among other places. While much of the world works to contain this potential pandemic, some of us are focused on the much larger issue. What should we name the virus?:

[Israeli] Deputy Health Minister Yakov Litzman said the reference to pigs is offensive to both religions and "we should call this Mexican flu and not swine flu," he told a news conference at a hospital in central Israel.

Both Judaism and Islam consider pigs unclean and forbid the eating of pork products.

Scientists are unsure where the new swine flu virus originally emerged, though it was identifed [sic] first in the United States. They say there is nothing about the virus that makes it "Mexican" and worry such a label would be stigmatizing.

I can't make this stuff up.

Of course, the debate is purely academic. In the end we all know that this will be found to be the fault of George Bush and/or capitalism. Might as well let the name reflect that reality. Maybe the Ayn Randemic Bush-Cheney Flu? Yeah, I know. I'm working on it. I'll take your suggestions in the comments.

How Obama Celebrated Earth Day

By reading a speech (big surprise) in Des Moines, Iowa.

Des Moines, Iowa? You ask. Isn't that far from Washington? Why yes it is. It is entirely too far to walk and even on an earth-friendly bicycle that's going to take some time. You could go by Prius or Smart Car but the POTUS is on a kinda tight schedule, as I understand it.

Sooo, that basically leaves you with teleporting or taking a jet.

Choosing to reserve his teleporting ability (I'm told he can do anything) for a crisis or a sale at J. Crew, Obama took the jet. So, this Earth Day, President Obama consumed 9,116 gallons of fuel to talk to the good people of Des Moines about alternative energy. I like it. I only wish I could have matched him gallon for gallon but I had to settle for setting fire to plastics, cutting down trees and grilling panda burgers (hat tip: Facebook).

More Hunger in the News

Mia Farrow is going on a hunger strike to show her solidarity for the starving people of Darfur. Of course, this is a hunger strike done Hollywood style so its mostly smoke and mirrors. There will be no actual starvation. It will be only slightly more intense than your average starlet's typical diet:

How long do you think you can hold on for?

I am going to try for three weeks. Given my weight that may not come to pass. I am going to get my blood tested after two weeks and if there is organ damage, I will have to stop. But my goal is three weeks. I won't be able to go to the doctor at that point, someone is going to have to come to the house and give me a blood test.

Oh, sure. That's exactly like Darfur with the house calls and the multitude of blood tests and the starvation ending in the event of organ damage. I'm so, so very glad that these people do not share my political perspective. I don't know how I would be able to reconcile being aligned with such idiocy and self-absorption. Of course, if that were my political perspective I wouldn't have to reconcile anything. I could just feel my way out of the dilemma.

At whom is this hunger strike aimed? At the Sudanese government which is perpetuating this horror and which expelled 13 aid agencies from the region in March? No. Of course not. Farrow says:

I hope that people will call upon our government to make Darfur a priority and to finally bring about peace in Darfur, and, of course to readmit the humanitarians.

She also notes that:

We felt that as much as we adore President Obama he was very slow to appoint an envoy to Sudan.

Maybe he's still looking for one of his political persuasion that hasn't taken a pass on their patriotic duty of paying taxes? They appear to be in short supply.

Really?

This is the family that Family Circle magazine wants me to save from starvation with my cash donation:



What am I missing?

The article says things like: "nonfat milk all around" and "the federal WIC program...provides money for nutritious staples like eggs, beans, fruits and vegetables..." and "Their health insurance costs are climbing...". That last statement is the only one that doesn't surprise me given their obvious risk factors. Something doesn't add up here.

Spare me the argument about fast food being the least expensive option. You can get a salad and grilled chicken and low fat milk at any fast food restaurant. Not to mention that beans and frozen veggies are extremely nutritious, filling, inexpensive and, as far as I'm concerned, delicious.

I have a cousin that literally did starve to death in her infancy as recently as 20 years ago. I did not know her. I only know her story but it haunts me and this article offends that part of my conscience. My baby cousin had never had anything more nourishing than rice water in her short life.* That's hunger. A morbidly obese family is the opposite of hunger.

But that's what passes for need in our country now. And a reluctance to pay for that need will get you labeled "greedy" or "heartless" or a "right wing extremist". And no amount of protesting will stop them from taking your money, in the form of taxes, at the point of a gun and turning that money over, in the form of food stamps and WIC, to all your super-fat, starving brethren.

Here's a tip I'd like to pass along to these parents: being sick to your stomach over the state of our country is proving to be a very effective diet. Look into it.


*This story brought to you by communism.

Go Green. And Red.

April 22 is the day that was chosen to celebrate the existence of a tyrannical political movement that promises to deliver people from archaic forms of poverty and instead enslaves them to a new kind of global poverty by, among other things, depriving them of technology. We call this day, Earth Day um, I mean Lenin's Birthday and it is the day Nikita Krushchev chose to celebrate communism erm, no its Earth Day. Oh, gosh. I guess its all of the above. So, Happy Lenin's Birthday/Communism Day/Earth Day.

Whether you choose to celebrate placing the yoke of poverty and government corruption on the backs of the people, or the man who perfected the use of the gulag, or junk science, or, as is likely, all three - have a wonderful day. This really is your time. Never has the world been more open to the idea of enslaving a man to his neighbor's need. And, while we have seen plenty of junk science in our history, never have we seen it turned into a religion AND a tremendously lucrative dupe at the same time. Kudos to you.

So, if this is your high holy day, enjoy your spendy reusable shopping bags and organic cleaning products. Enjoy your expensive fair trade coffees and your locally grown produce. Unless your locally grown produce comes from the central valley of California in which case...epic fail. Your produce wastes literal tons of water every year leading to water shortages for the entire state. I wonder what you'd get to eat locally if it weren't for the water subsidies. It probably wouldn't be strawberries. I hear those need water.

Enjoy your tiny, absurdly unsafe cars that no one can hear coming and most of all, enjoy the entitlement to self-aggrandizing and self-righteous douchery that the Green business keeps marketing and that you keep buying. You've earned it. I won't mention that at the core of this grass roots movement beats the heart of the purest sort of capitalism because I don't want to ruin the day for you. That would be like telling a kid on Christmas morning that there is no Santa.

We'll be sitting out the festivities here choosing instead to observe "Industrial Revolution Day". If you'd like to join me in this celebration of human achievement there's not much to it. I'll drive around in my car. Cook on my stove. Watch my television. Use my computer. Pretty much do everything I usually do, most of which was made possible by both Industry and industry. In fact, you may be observing Industrial Revolution Day without even knowing it. Or is that without wanting to admit it? Either way, cheers!

Tin Foil Hat Time

Usually when I say, "Tin Foil Hat Time", I'm about to discuss some recent event that causes paranoia even when that paranoia might not be fully justified (it might be fully justified, it just hasn't become clear either way). This time I'm telling my conservative readers and friends to put on their tin foil hat and leave it there until further notice. And, if they can, they should try to make it look like a beret and pretend to be French. That's going to involve a lot of moping around and not working very hard and complaining about Americans while living under the protection of our military strength but I know you can do this.

If they don't they are at risk of being labeled a "Rightwing Extremist" by the new administration's Department of Homeland Security according to a report leaked last week. A rightwing extremist is defined thusly in the new DHS report:

Rightwing extremism in the United States can be broadly divided into those groups, movements, and adherents that are primarily hate-oriented (based on hatred of particular religious, racial or ethnic groups), and those that are mainly antigovernment, rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority, or rejecting government authority entirely. It may include groups and individuals that are dedicated to a single issue, such as opposition to abortion or immigration.

Let's pretend for a minute that it isn't absurdly political to define the right as adherents to "hate-oriented" movements. Okay, minute's up.

Let's take another look at the list:

• "rejecting federal authority in favor of state or local authority" - check.
• "opposition to abortion" - check.

Looks like I'm in trouble even though I fail to see how favoring local government makes a person an extremist? And what if you oppose illegal immigration? Does that make you an extremist? Is it extreme to wish that people would adhere to laws and to desire that they are prosecuted to the fullest extent of said laws when they violate them?

Chillingly, the report also warns that the government needs to be particularly mindful of war veterans who have challenges mainstreaming into society after returning home. That's right, veterans are the new terrorists. Veterans and me. So, for those of you who know me and aren't rightwing extremists you may want to reconsider waving to me at the grocery store or stopping to chat if we run into each other at the library.

And to those of you that already pretend you don't see me, I know you do. How can you not see a person wearing this:

Outed

Well, I've been found out by Janeane Garofalo:

"Let's be very honest about what this is about. This is not about bashing Democrats. It's not about taxes. They have no idea what the Boston Tea party was about. They don't know their history at all. It's about hating a black man in the White House," she said on MSNBC's "The Countdown" with Keith Olbermann Thursday evening. "This is racism straight up and is nothing but a bunch of teabagging rednecks. There is no way around that."

Yup, that's me. Racist redneck who don't be knowin' no hist'ry. Just hating the blacks and anyone else who isn't a person of pallor.

And this is the spin that the left has been putting on the Tea Parties since their inception just to bring to fruition what all of us on the right predicted would happen when we voiced our opposition to Obama. That any opposition would earn you the title of racist. Of course, we were called racist for saying that would happen.

I don't think it needs to be said but here goes: I'm not racist. I hate some white people. Case in point: Janeane Garofalo. Politics aside I could hate her just for that spelling of Janeane. Furthermore, the list of white people I hate is long. Very. Very. Long. I could have a whole blog that was nothing but a list of white people whom I hate. Each blog post could list 15 - 20 names. I could post everyday and never run out of material. Unlike Janeane Garofalo who ran out of material years ago and yet continues to torture us with her smart-but-sad-girl-who-is-almost-marginally-cute-behind-these-glasses schtick.

Let's pretend, for a moment, that she and Keith Olbermann have fully functioning genitalia (we know they don't because drones never do) and had a child together. Done? Okay. Sorry about that mental image but I've actually done you a huge favor because no matter what happens to you today it couldn't ever be as horrible as that possibility. So go have a great day!

Tax Day Tea Party

This evening I had the privilege of attending a Tax Day Tea Party. I'm typically pretty scornful of these hippie-dippie "protestaculars" and I'm not alone:

“The message of the tea parties is obvious: no more spending, no more taxes, no more debt, no more bailouts,” said Sally Zelikovsky, organizer of the San Francisco event.

“When conservatives take to the streets in the most liberal city in America, in uncharacteristic fashion — and let’s be honest, it’s just not in our DNA to protest — it signifies that people have had enough.”

There were cops everywhere which made me laugh, as if a bunch of conservatives were going to get crazy and start trouble. But when the rag-tag bunch of counter-protesters showed up to protest the existence of, wait for it, borders, I realized they weren't there for us.

And yes, I said borders. No, not the bookstore. But borders as in the division between nations. They also seem to have taken a strong position against soap. The riot police were on hand just in case but the no-borders group were shouted down when the no-more-taxes crowd started chanting, "Get. A. Job! Get. A. Job!"

I was very happy to bump into a few familiar faces as you'll see in the pictures. I actually took so many pictures that someone asked if I was with the press. Here are just a few (click to enlarge):








Here's one of my fellow Ayn Rand admirers, Pat, spreading the word.



A few more good looking guys with signs. The signs held by Rick and Eric were courtesy of another protester who had too many signs to hold at one time.



Here I am with my big cup of unfair trade, capitalist pig-dog coffee.











We saw these adorable girls and then realized that we know them from our Park Day!